Who's Affected


Most men who use violence say they don't want to be violent.

They use violence for short term gains such as getting their own way and controlling people and situations.

In the long term though the costs are high and they can lose their families, trust, intimacy, finances, friends, jobs and self respect.

Men often use a sense of entitlement or superiority to justify their use of violence. This is illustrated by terms like "king of the castle" "the boss".

Men speak about the shame they feel about their actions but also how the hardest thing was to admit they had a problem.

Te Kupenga Whakaoti Mahi Patunga/The National Network of Stopping Violence Services has agencies all around Aotaroa/New Zealand which run stopping violence programmes.

These groups are confidential, non-judgemental groups where you can meet with other men and explore why you are choosing violence and look at other ways of behaving that support safe and loving relationships.

Violence is a choice. No-one makes us do it, we own our bodies and how we use them. We own our voices and how we use them. We own our emotions and how we handle them.

Click here to view the *Power and Control Wheel diagram'

This diagram does not cover all forms of violence, but is a good base to work from in identifying your violence.

The devastation these types of behaviours cause on those we are close to is huge. (See "Impacts of Violence on Women.)

The segment titled "male privilege" identifies the attitudes that support men's sense of entitlement. This sense of superiority is used to justify violent and controlling behaviour.

Women and children are seen as "less than" or "objects" or "owned possessions".

One way of addressing this is for men to "put themselves in the others' shoes" and imagine how they would feel if they were treated this way.

Strategies for Coping with Anger

Safe Time Out:

When you notice you are winding up, take time out – remove yourself from the situation

  • calmly state "I need to take safe time out"
  • leave the situation
  • do something physical like running or walking
  • notice your thoughts
  • replace negative self talk (the ****, I'll show her) with positive (It's not worth it, I don't have to be in control, I need to calm down)
  • talk to someone who will help you calm down
  • return when you have wound down
  • arrange a time to talk when you are both calm and ready to.

Some Don'ts:

  • don't use time out as a way to hurt your partner (act like you are leaving her, slam the door, disappear when you are supposed to be helping with chores)
  • don't drink or use drugs
  • don't stay away to pay her back
  • don't go to friends who will wind you up more
  • don't drive
  • don't wait till boiling point to take safe time out.

Men's Stopping Violence Programmes:

Te Kupenga Whakaoti Mahi Patunga/ The National Network of Stopping Violence Services has member agencies throughout Aotearoa New Zealand. The majority of these agencies run stopping violence groups for men, which are Family Court approved. (Meet Family Court standards for these programmes.)

These groups are confidential. They are a safe, non-judgmental and supportive place for men to own and challenge their violence and work toward walking violence free.

These groups offer tried and proven tools for stopping violence. These courses have helped many men come to a place of change; however they cannot make the change happen. In the end it is up to the individual put into action what he has learnt and make a heartfelt change.

If you wish to attend one please contact your local member agency (See Organisation Details).

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